You can probably get away with using a light sedative. Save chloroform for children 12 and older.

....who is lying in his deathbed. The end is very near when he smells his wife's delicious chocolate chip cookies cooling in the kitchen! Determined that, if he is to die, he is going to die with the taste of his wife's chocolate chip cookies in his mouth.

He pulls himself out of bed and falls to the floor. In unbearable pain, he crawls inch by inch out of the bedroom, down the stairs, and into the kitchen. He sees the cookies cooling on the counter.

With every last length of strength, he pulls himself up to the counter. And, with every last bit of strength, grabs hold of one of the cookies. He brings it to his mouth, when his wife enters and wacks his hand with a wooden spoon.

"Hands of those cookies, John Shawnessey!" She cries. "Those are for the funeral!"

"Ah, shit. A burnt batch."

Shiite.

Someone told her drinks were on the house.

the problem is, I can't seem to throw away my old one.

Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What are you doing!" asks Bob. Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately so I talked to my psychiatrist and he said I needed to do some thing sexy to a tractor." [to attract her]

Cuz' DAMN!

I replied, "Yeah, man, you're free."

A crusty old Chief found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Chief for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"
"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"

It turns out they're GREAT guys. We all get along so well and spend the time learning about each other's planets. What's the weather like there, what are sports like here, recipes, ect. Eventually, it comes to where they ask how we go about reproducing and we are of course curious in the Martian way. So the decision is made to have a demonstration (for science) and the Martians are up first.


So a big space is cleared out and a whole bunch of Martians come in there and they stand on each other's heads and touch noses and their eyes change colors and there's loud clanking noises or whatever, and then out pops a little Martian and everyone from Earth is like WOW that's great I hope we got video.


OK so now it's the human's turn, and a willing couple is found and a space is cleared out and the Martians are there with their video cameras and the humans go at it and they end in a big sweaty finish. And the Martians are like WOW that's great how interesting, but tell us, where is the new human?


And the Earthlings say, "Well, I'm sorry, but that takes 9 months"


And the Martians say, "Well then why were they in such a hurry at the end?"

trick question: you don't need a light bulb when you have a glass ceiling

It's non-existent.

Teacher: Why is your paper blank?
Student: Sometimes silence is the best answer ! :D :D

Hands over a 1000 yuan and the cashier gives him 50 pounds in return. Next day Chinese guy goes into the same bank hands over 1000 yuan and this time the cashier gives him 45 pounds in exchange. Chinese man asks "Why 50 pounds yesterday and onry 45 today?" Cashier replires "fluctuations" Chinese guy says " Well fluck you Blitish too!"

About enough to break the ice...........

Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.

I don't know man, I just fly the drone