A very mean principal needs more students to enroll in his private school. So he pulls his assistant aside and says '' if you don't get more students to enroll in the school you are fired!'' So the secretary gets 30 more students at the end of the week. The principal asked the secretary'' how did you get so many students?'' The secretary said'' easy I just started a rumor that you were leaving''

Virgin mobile

Just one, but it'll take 10 episodes.

Park your car man.

Two test-tickles

* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

* I used to come here all the time with my ex.

* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

Today I fished (for) up-votes by ( insert made up story ).

...And he agrees to do so. After a few hours, the painter rings the doorbell, and the man answers. He sees his work, and is completely furious. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!" yells the man. The painter replies, "I've finished painting. And by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a ferrari."

There were once people known as Trids, very similar to the Oompa Loompas from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

They lived on an island and were constantly terrorized by a mountain ogre, who always marched to their little village and kicked, sometimes killing, many of the Trids.

One day, a Rabbi went to the island as a part of a tour he was in and saw the island's indigenous people being harassed by the mountain ogre.

"Why does he always attack you guys?" the Rabbi said.

"Since we're much shorter than him, he figures he can kick us around with no problem!"

"Well I'm about his height, so I'll go speak to him."

And so he travelled up the island's mountain to meet the ogre. At the top, he saw him.

"Why are you always harassing the Trids?"

"They can't fight back, look at their height!"

"Oh, that's why? In that case, why don't you kick me? I may be your height, but I'm an old man! I can't fight back!"

"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------
BONUS JOKE:

On the way back to the ship to continue the tour, the Rabbi approaches the Trids - "I tried to make him stop, it didn't work." He said.

"Oh, that's alright! Have fun with your tour!" One of them replied.

All of a sudden, a bird flying across the sky flew across the rabbi's head, leaving his droppings on the Rabbi's head.

"Do you happen to have any way of washing this off?"

"No! Don't wash it off! That's the droppings of the sacred Foo bird! The Foo's droppings landing on your head indicates good luck and prosperity!"

"The Foo bird, huh? I see."

Wanting to respect their culture, the rabbi waits for the boat to depart before trying to wash the droppings off.

Once on course, he washed his head, trying to get the smell of the Foo out.

As soon as he was successful, the boat, almost like magic, suddenly sank.

He, along with other passengers, sank to their death.

Lesson: If the foo s**t's, wear it.

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick, “What school?”

This white guy gets William McKay tattooed on his Penis. He has a pretty good sized white penis so that every time he's erect, it spells WILLIAM McKAY but says WY when he's flaccid.

He goes to Jamaica and plays some pickup basketball with a bunch of Jamaican guys. After the game they are in the shower all naked with Dicks all shriveled and spots a Jamaican guy with "WY" Tattooed on his penis as well.

He walks up to Jamaican guy and says, "That's cool, I have "WY" tattoed on my dick and when i'm errect is says, 'WILLIAM McKAY' do you by any chance have 'WILLIAM McKAY' tattooed on your dick as well?"

Jamaican guy says no, when i'm erect, it says "WELCOME TO JAMAICA, HAVE A GREAT DAY"

It'll cost me an arm and a leg.

(It's ok for me to post this, cos I am actually a diabetic)

First, open microwave and remove dead baby...

They are always asking for change.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer ?

She didn't have her seatbelt on

But eventually I realized I was beating a dead horse.

Not everyone gets it.

has crack-up

Depth perception