Five years ago, my grandfather entered an underwater breath-holding competition with his friends.

He must have won, because we're still waiting for him to come back up.
They thought she was micromanaging them!

Trying to Have a Baby

JokesPosted by MilkForCalcium
Saying that "We are trying to have a baby" is the only discreet way I can tell my mother-in-law that I had sex with her daughter 4 times last week.
"do you make fish cakes?"
"Yes we do" replies the fishmonger...
"Great" says the man, ït's his birthday"

So a seal walks into a club.

JokesPosted by Mydogisajerk
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

A month before my grandfather died

JokesPosted by Mint
A month before my grandfather died we had tried everything to cure him. We then heard you could try covering him head to toe in baby oil - after that he went downhill very quickly.
The plot was confusing... I didn't know whether to laugh or cry..
Husband and wife divorcing.
I the court judge ask husband:
- What is the reason for divorce?
- Unfortunately my wife and me have completely different interests : I interested only in women, and she interested only in men…
Q: If you were forced to go through one of the following doors, which door do you go through with 100 % certainty you'd stay alive: a door with a man with a gun behind it, a door with a tiger who hasn't eaten in 7 years behind it, or a door with an electrical chair behind it?
A: The one with the tiger behind it, because if it hasn't eaten in 7 years it's dead.
Cause I got to separate the whites and colors
Mom: "No, who?"
Daughter: "Ella, Ella Vader."
During. Because your plugged into a "know it all."
Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis... LADDER! I said ladder!
Nothing, Chris Brown doesn't want you getting involved in his personal life

New Girlfriend (9)

JokesPosted by it.is.I
(*pensively*):
Hmmm, I guess things are really getting serious between me and my girlfriend, uh, Cecilia, because I just added the song "Cecilia" to my favourites playlist.
(*lightheartedly*):
I mean, I don't even particularly like that song.
Roberto

Why are men sexier than women?

JokesPosted by Squirly
Because you can't spell sexy without xy.
Because the tomato sauce couldn't Ketchup.
Probably.
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