A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Relatively few

Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who weren't expecting this joke to be in ternary

but my penis is a humanitarian.

- Dave Chapelle.

Say this phrase: Whale oil beef hooked.

Title

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

*I am reposting something from facebook to share ha*

The man gets out of the car and begins to take off the tire. He noticed the fence separating the inpatients from him gathered a few spectators from the inside when the tire popped. The man takes of the tire only to realize that he's missing two lugnuts. He looks in the grass but he can't find them. In a panic, he begins to think. He hears a voice from behind fence: "Hey, fella! Just put the two lugnuts on opposite sides of the wheel. That'll keep the wheel on there long enough to make it to an auto dealer. Don't worry it'll hold." The man thinks about it for a second and then complies, putting the spare tire on with only two lugnuts and it seems sturdy enough. The man looks towards the gate and asks the patient: "Hey how did you know that would work?" The patient replied: "I'm in here 'cause I'm crazy, not 'cause I'm stupid."

I had to register my two sticks of butter with the FAA.

It was so much trouble just to see my butter fly.

So they can see what's coming.

I was offer to have sex with a Victoria secret model. In exchange for sex i was asked to advertise a arm and hammer vanilla scent bathroom cleaner. Ofcoarse i said no because i am a person of high morals and strong will power. Just like the new arm and hammer vanilla bathroom cleaner which is now available for the low cost of 4.99

He did Nazi-it coming.

So i got a new dog, i decided to name him stains. but every time i called him my dad beat my mother

He confesses to the priest that he masturbates everyday. The priest tells him that the next time he does that he should look closely at what is on his hand and say: “You could have been a doctor, you could have been a lawyer, you could have been a teacher…” The man agrees to do that.

The next day after he rubs one out he looks at what is left on his hand and says: “You could have been a doctor, you could have been a lawyer, you could have been a teacher… “ Then he thinks about it for a moment and decides to give them all a second chance so he licked his hand clean.

Hikers who visit this forest should be aware that both black bears and grizzly bears can be found here. We suggest the following precautions for your safety.

Please wear small bells on your clothing to alert wildlife of your presence so they stay away. Please have pepper spray with you at all times in case you should actually come in contact with a bear.

You can identify if there are bears in the area and what kind based on the feces you see on the ground. In black bear poop you can see traces of plants and berrier whereas grizzly bear poop contains small bells and smells of pepper.

A woman tris to sleep with every guy she sees and she's a slut. I try to do that and all of the sudden I'm 'gay' and not allowed in Toys 'R' Us anymore.

*"Hello, mr. pharmacist."*

What did you think it would be, you racist?

Every time they get a corner they put a dairy on it.

When my wife asks me "What do you want to have for dinner" I never guess right.