When it arrives I threw up a Nazi salute.

I bet no one's thought of heiling a cab before

The lawyer passed it, the high jumper jumped over it and the Irish man went in and got wasted.

"Morning!" he said. The other man replied, "No, just taking a shit."

January 1st 2015

NASA and reasonable science enthusiasts has for decades been begging the capital hill for an increase in funds to do what they need to be able to do, and capital hill replied for decades "We'll think about it." Now it has happened at an unexpected rate. An earlier agreement that capital hill head among both parties was to fund various projects towards the development of the "international space station" for what is said to be for both scientific and diplomatic reasons.


When asking the two party representitives the following statements were made. The democratic party stated "we hope that we can find a way to create a habitat planet for the humpback whales since the world will be uninhabitable by any living thing throughout the entire history of time since that one guy won't stop smoking, despite it adding calories when he does."
The conservative represented had this to say. "We really hope that this new deal would be able to bring about diplomatic relations with the world's hippies and deadbeats for future lsnd, i mean money, I mean voters... favors? Yes favors, let's go with that." When the president was asked about why he didn't veto the bill he said "I understand how this is a huge concern among my fans er American people, and want to better reflect how I the popular, er president would be willing to accommodate. Perhaps we can use this to move towards a brighter future of political conduct such as how long, er any given president should be in term. Further.. huuuh... what does the prompter say it turned off. Oh there it goes. Further we want to make sure that everyone is as happy as they can be with our policies.


Certain items pertaining to the project funds were specified to be used including but not limited to:
*moon dust converting to water
*targeting systems with several tetrameters of reach with accuracy
*moon dust converting to "what whales breath if not water"
*machines to monitor money transactions on a global scale
*moon dust converting to "what whales eat if not water"
*machines to scan people's voting records on a global scale to determine statistics and effect voting fraud.
and many more.

It's about time government realized that the NASA program needed to have a better budget, and I as I non inspecting reporter feel perfectly fine with the potential changes that can occur.

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from being repeatedly poked in the belly. He was 81 years old.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he lived to be a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his very elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Mariah Carey sounded horrible the other day. It was like a cannon went off in her throat.

So I play a game and I'm pretty sure it's original and no one else plays it yet. You could be next! This is how it works;

Every time I go out to a bar, or a club or something even a restaurant and there is a urinal, I drop a quarter into the urinal every time I use it.

I have amassed almost $2.50 as my highest while at an all night drinking session with friends. Sometimes the quarters are gone when I know no one cleaned the urinal and it makes me laugh my ass off to think of some customer fishing my pee-soaked quarter out of the urinal.

Well that's it, remember to always have fun no matter where you are.

I mean, Bluetooth in LG devices isn't something amazing, is it?

Because it's a great place to pick up swing voters.

The wheelchair.

The Cubans because they're the strongest swimmers.

...Dogs? Chinese because it's a dog eat dog world.

...Beavers? Mexicans because they're mostly into construction.

...Cockroaches? ISIS because they're still there no matter how many times you bomb the place.

If a cop becomes a murderer they get paid vacation.

A: She can't find the eleven.

His material is terrible, but his delivery is amazing!

He was rolling balls.

and everyone you love DIES!!

Humps on the back.

So men are better at it!

\- George Carlin