Because if they fell forward, they would land in the boat!

... and the barman says "What do you think this is, some kind of joke?

I went to a restaurant the other night and my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered real slow because obviously she can't listen.

Everything comes in high volumes.

I had a dog named Sham, while i was walking it, Sham wanted to take a dumb, so i released the leash and waited, after he came back, somebody shouted "Who's shit is that?" so i told him "That is Sham poo"

None. They just sit in the dark and bitch.

My wife is a bitch.

Pioneer.

father's day

Q. If a dog were elected president of the United States, what would he be known as?
A. The drooler of the free world.
Q. Why do dogs think they need to go to church?
A. They think they need to go for their salivation.
Q. What is the difference between a purse thief and a women who has to pee?
A. The purse thief snatched the women's clutch.

Are like regular drinks for really patient people.

Republicans are Red
Democrats are Blue
and neither one
gives a fuck about you

So the year is 1791, and Mozart has just died. It's a big deal in Vienna, everyone is sad blah blah blah blah. A few days after he is buried, someone is walking through the graveyard and hears a strange noise. Intrigued by the noise he follows it until it gets louder, louder, and finally he finds himself standing above Mozart's grave. Naturally this is a matter of curiosity in Vienna, and soon people from all over come to hear this strange sound coming from Mozart's grave. No one can identify the noise coming from the grave, so finally they bring in an expert on Mozart's music to see if he can identify it. After listening for a few minutes, the expert says "Well this is Mozart's 6th symphony, but it's playing backwards." He listens a bit longer and he hears Mozart's 5th symphony, 4th symphony, 3rd, 2nd, 1st but all being played backwards. The people of Vienna ask the expert how this strange music can be coming from the grave. "It's no big deal" he answers. "Mozart is just *decomposing*."

he joined the que que que.

The experience was really eye opening.

Justice fingers

When one of his employees comes running into his office "BOSS! COME QUICK! There's a problem with Mrs. Mcgruder!"

"What could be wrong? She's already dead"

"Boss, you've gotta see this, there's a jumbo shrimp sticking right outta her snatch!"

"No fucking way, the funeral's in a couple of hours, finish her up and go home."

"No, Boss I mean it. There is a jumbo shrimp sticking right outta her snatch"

"Fine I'll come take a look, but if you're lying, my time is coming out of your paycheck."

They go downstairs and the employee throws back the sheet and says "see boss a jumbo shrimp sticking right outta her snatch!"

"You idiot! That's not a shrimp, its her clit!"

"Oh....well it tasted like shrimp"

The reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane

(Courtesy of Colin Mochrie)

An Australian man decides to visit New York City one day. After the long flight, he decides that he wants to wander around and see the sites. As he is crossing a busy street however, traffic picks up all around him, and he is stuck in the middle of the road. Several police officers notice his dilemma and halt traffic to help him out. One of the officers walks up to him angrily and asks "What's the matter?! Did you come here to die?"

The Australian man simply replies "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"

Keep the tip...