Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

The onion replies, " My sister was fried into onion rings, I've lost custody of my kids and I'm bankrupt."
The bartender replies, " OMG! A talking onion!

Doesn't help your defence in court.

He called it "Aloha-Wok-bar".

The artist was named Drew because thats what he did. The laborer was called Manual because thats the type of labor he did. The lawyer was called be Bill because 'Fucking People Out of Money' takes to long to say.

On the perineum falcon!

He pasta way.

Husband call to wife on cell. "Hi,…what r u doing Darling?
Wife: I'm dying..!
Husband feel happy but said: "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?
Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.
Husband: This is why I hate English

Because ghosts have hollow-weenies! Happy halloween :)

"Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?"

Nobody is able to answer

Teacher: "You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer."

The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question.

Teacher: "Well, it seems your parents are stupid as well. See the answer is so simple."

Then the teacher makes a circle using his thumb and index finger and keeps it in front of his nostrils.

Teacher: "See, it was so simple, yet nobody was able to answer."

The next day, a student comes up to the teacher and says, "Sir, my father has asked if it's possible to insert 7 holes through one hole?"

Teacher: "No, that's impossible."

Students: "It is possible, my father said."

Teacher : "How?"

Student: "Take a flute and shove it up your ass."

"Noah, make a backup. I'm going to format"

1st May

Because I want to *date* you.

As he was removing it another black comes running towards his car, smashes the window and goes inside. The man screams: but what are you doing? To which he answered: you take the tyres and I'll take the stereo.

She just wasn't working out.

She got too excited when we got there and fell in to the gelato tub. Now she is a sore bae :)

Being curious, the bartender walks over to the old man and asks, “Hey pal, why the long face?”

The old man looks at him and points out the window, “See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, nail by nail, but do they call me Simon the dockbuilder? No,no."

The old man continued, “And see that ship out there? I’ve been fishing these waters for going on thirty-five years! but do they call me Simon the fisherman?

No...

No...

But you fuck ONE goat...”

You don't know if you're gona make it.

He was Snowden.