Get jalapeño business

and the bartender asks one of them, "Why the long face?"
The guy answers, "My eyes are up here."

I just witnessed someone trying to park their car for about 10 minutes before finally getting it right. I didn’t see the person clearly though so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.

There's a lot to remember

Bison.

But my hand was too sore

Put a coat on.

Ghastly.

HAAAAAND EYEEEEEEE!

Rays legs.

with only 1 man lined up behind a sign that says "men who are the boss", when asked the man said, "my wife told me to stay in this line"

Hypertrophy!

Two Jews fighting over a penny.

I don't have many friends but I can draw pretty well, so I drew a bunch of friends

But I only draw in black pen.. So I feel really uncomfortable

TIMBUUUUUUUURTON

Two.

One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis..*ER..LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!*

A pao-erful change

"How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?"


"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."


"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"


"He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died."


"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."


"He died of a broken neck."



"A broken neck?"



"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving...now what do we tell them for Christmas?"