for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
“I can't do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.”

“Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.”

“Alright, we could get a blood sample.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.”

“Fine then, just walk this white line.”

“Can’t do that either, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

...where he had been held for 15 years. He breaks into a house and finds a couple together in bed. He overpowers the husband and ties him to a chair, and then ties the wife to the bed. While he is tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.

While the convict is in the bathroom, the husband whispers to his wife,

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

She responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, he thinks you're cute, and he asked me where the vaseline is. I told him it's in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too!"