They have a lot of issues

To keep each udder dry


Courtesy of my significant other

The first chemist said "I'll have H20." So he drinks his H20 and feels fine. The second chemist said "I'll have H20 2." He dies. He couldn't handle the Hydrogen Peroxide.

He said Doggy style

...he says "Damn, I wish there was an outlet.".

Virgin mobile

Because they're going to fast.

Guns 'n Roses

"Because anyone who can run, jump or swim is already here, raping and killing Americans"

-Donald Trump

Whatever you want, he can't hear you..

A Hindu man, a Jewish man, and a Polish man. After walking for a few miles, they come across a farm with a barn. Desperately seeking a place to sleep for the night, they knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can sleep in the barn.

The farmer says it's OK as long as they don't disturb his sleep or the animals, so the three men go to sleep in the barn with all the animals.

Fifteen minutes later, the Hindu man bangs on the farmer's door and asks if he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with sacred cows next to him. The farmer says it's OK and lets him in.

In another fifteen minutes, the Jewish man bangs on the farmer's door and asks if he can sleep on the floor of his room, because he cannot sleep with pigs next to him, and the farmer says this is OK. Now only the Polish man is outside.

Fifteen minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door, and by this time is very annoyed. He opens it, and there stand the cows and the pigs.

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. It wasn't the same elephant.

A noisy noise annoys a noisy oyster.

but if they did, they might still be married.

An Amish mechanic.

Because nobody is looking for them.

A woman and her family are sitting in a nice, upscale restaurant.

Everyone's looking at their menus, when the waiter comes by to get their drink orders. Each orders their drinks, and as the waiter is walking away, the woman notices a spoon in his chest pocket.

*Hm... That's strange* She thinks to herself.

She looks around, and notices other waiters and waitresses with spoons in their chest pockets. Curious, she decides when their waiter comes back by, she'll just ask what that's about.

A few minutes later, he comes back with their drinks. He proceeds to take their appetizer and main dish orders. As he's about to leave, the women motions for him.

"Yes m'am?" he asks, leaning forward.

She asks, "I noticed that every single member of the waitstaff have a spoon in their pockets..." She pointed to his. "What's with the spoon?"

He smiles, and explains that their restaurant had ran through several studies to ensure that the waitstaff is the most efficient they can be, saving the customers and restuarant time and money. One of the topics dealt with dropped silverwear. The most commonly dropped piece is the spoon, since it is placed right next to the knife, and usually used last, it tends to get knocked off the table most often. With that, it saves time and money for the waitstaff to have the spoon ready in-hand to hand to the customer.

She smiles and thanks him for the explanation, and just as she was reaching for her knife to butter her dinner roll, she just so happened to knock the spoon off the table. Without missing a beat, the waiter hands her the spoon from his pocket with a smile. She thanks him, smiling again.

As he walks away, however, she notices something new. There was a string hanging from the waiter's fly!

*How odd...* She began looking around again, curiously.

She noticed all the male waitstaff had a string hanging from their pant flys as well.

She decides it may be another strange way to save money, but will ask later.

After dinner, everyone is served apple pie al la mode, and is just finishing up, when the waiter comes back by. The woman calls him over again. She asks about the string, pointing somewhat discreetly to it.

He laughs, and begins explaining that another part of the study dealt with cleanliness, and saving time and money at the same time. He explained that when the men go to the bathroom, in order to save time and money from washing their hands, they could just unzip their flys and pull on the string, which would pull their penis out and allow them to urinate, all without laying a finger or palm on their privates.

She blushed, laughing. "How odd, but it must be true! You all have been so quick to serve and everything!" The waiter smiled, laughing. Then he noticed a perplexed look on her face.

She stared for a second, thinking. "Wait, so, if you pull it out using the string, how do you... y'know... get it back in?"

The waiter looked around the room, and leaned in to the table.

"Personally, I use the spoon."

One turns to the other and says; "Let's get shitfaced!"